


The Unbelievable Case of the Green-Eyed Monster

by angelsaves



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Bathrooms, Chairs, Jealousy, M/M, Podfic Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 04:51:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15834099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsaves/pseuds/angelsaves
Summary: In which Shane suddenly decides to cockblock Ryan at a bar, for reasons he doesn't care to explore at this juncture.(The reasons are jealousy.)





	The Unbelievable Case of the Green-Eyed Monster

So they're out at a bar, Shane, Ryan, and a few other Buzzfeed people, and Shane looks away from the others for a second to get his beer refilled. It's his third -- maybe fourth? It doesn't matter; he's pleasantly buzzed, maybe tilting towards drunk. He glances back over towards Ryan as he takes a sip, and _Jesus Christ_ , he almost gets beer up his nose, because there's a guy flirting with Ryan.

Flirting happens. It's been a while since Ryan broke up with his ex, and people sniff around him all the time. Shane's used to that, and the way Ryan gently turns them down. Tonight is different. Ryan is _flirting back_.

The guy is about 6'5" or 6'6", Shane determines over the rim of his glass, a decidedly untrustworthy height. He's lanky, with curly brown hair and a weird face. Apparently Ryan likes that whole... situation, though, because he's fucking beaming at the guy, touching his upper arm, looking up at him...

"Hey," says the bartender. "Please don't break that glass." Shane shoots her a look, and she holds up her hands. "I'm just saying, you look like you're either going to shatter your glass or set someone on fire with your eyes. I don't know where the first aid kit is, and I think the fire extinguisher is expired."

"That's _illegal_ ," Shane points out.

She shrugs. "Distracted you, though, didn't it?" Her point made, she moves over to another section of the bar.

Shane sips his beer and tries hard not to stare at Ryan or his new, inappropriately tall friend. Ugh, the jerk is leaning in now, and Ryan is laughing. This is the worst thing that has ever happened in all of history, and Shane would know.

Maybe he'll make an episode of Ruining History about unfairly tall people. Peter the Great. The Potsdam Giants of Prussia. ...Jaws from the James Bond franchise. That would serve Tall Jerk right.

Just as Shane is smirking to himself over this, Tall Jerk gestures towards the men's room and -- and _winks_ at Ryan. He winks! How dare he! That's _Shane's_ move! Shane fumes the whole time Tall Jerk walks to the restroom -- and then Ryan gets up, and it's all Shane can do not to gasp and clutch at the pearls he's definitely not wearing. Is Ryan -- no. This isn't happening. Not on Shane Madej's watch.

He gets up, abandoning his half-full glass of beer, and reaches the restroom a step behind Ryan. "Hey, Ryan," he says brightly. "Fancy meeting you here!"

"Yeah," Ryan says, "what's a guy like you doing in a nice place like this?" He forces a laugh, and Tall Jerk does the same.

Shane laughs, full-throated and rich, and unzips his fly. "Just gonna... relieve myself," he says, taking out his dick. He hopes, belatedly, that it's bigger than Tall Jerk's.

"Dude," Ryan says.

"What?" Thank God Shane isn't pee-shy. This would be even weirder if he couldn't go. "Are you weirded out by me using this room for its intended purpose?"

"Of course not," says Tall Jerk jovially. He proceeds to whip it out and pee too, and Ryan sighs and does the same. Shane carefully doesn't check either of them out, but he hopes they... wait, what? Since when does he want Ryan to look at his dick?

Tall Jerk shakes off and goes to wash his hands while Shane is still processing this revelation. Then he glances at Ryan and leaves the room.

"You fucking cockblock!" Ryan whispers, furious, and washes his hands very thoroughly. "What is _wrong_ with you?"

"What's wrong with _me!_ " Shane huffs. "You were going to -- here! With him!"

"Are you some kind of weird prude?" Ryan demands. "Jesus, put that thing away before you put an eye out."

"...oh." Shane carefully tucks his dick back in his pants and crosses to the sink. "And no, I'm not a prude!"

"A homophobe, then?" Ryan pushes.

"No, I'm not a fucking homophobe! I'm bi, for Christ's sake."

"Then what is your _problem?_ " Ryan shoves him, hard, making him drop his wad of paper towels on the floor.

"I don't have a --"

"Shut up, you do!" Ryan shoves him again, pushing his back up against the wall. "Fuckin' -- tell me!"

_God, he's hot when he's angry,_ Shane thinks, and he sets his hands on Ryan's shoulders. Ryan looks up at him, bewildered, and Shane leans down and kisses him.

It's just a little kiss, a chaste press of lips, but Ryan's shocked gasp _does_ things to him. He lets go and says, "That... that's my problem."

Ryan stares at him, touching his mouth with his fingertips. "We should, uh. We should talk about this."

"Yeah," Shane agrees. "Like... not here."

"My house?"

"Sure."

Ryan grabs Shane by the arm -- what is with this sudden manhandling, and why is Shane so into it? -- and hustles him out to the bar, where they pay their tabs and call an Uber.

The Uber is quiet, except for the playlist that Shane can see the driver has titled _hipster dudes_ , and just a little awkward. Shane keeps looking at Ryan's mouth, then down at his hands, because _Jesus, Shane, get ahold of yourself_. Ryan is jittering so hard that Shane's afraid he'll injure himself somehow.

They get to Ryan's house, and Shane takes off his shoes and follows Ryan into the kitchen, where Ryan pours them each a glass of water. He drinks it cautiously, waiting for Ryan to talk.

He's not disappointed. "You can't just _do_ that," Ryan starts, then, "No, wait, I have to look you in the eye for this." He turns away and grabs a kitchen chair.

"I could -- sit down?" Shane suggests, but Ryan clearly has other ideas: he climbs onto the chair and glares down at Shane. "Oh my god, how drunk are you?"

"You can't just _cockblock_ me and then _kiss_ me," Ryan says from his perch, ignoring the question. "That's not buddies!"

Shane stares up at him and tries hard to be serious, but he can't help it. He starts to wheeze with laughter. " _Ryan_ ," he says.

"I'm -- don't laugh!" Ryan swats at his shoulder, overbalancing and tilting the chair. "Whoa!"

It's instinct to catch him, arms shooting out, and then they really are eye to eye, so close that Shane can feel Ryan's startled intake of breath on his lips.

"...oh, fuck it," Ryan says, and kisses Shane fiercely, like he's still mad about the cockblocking or whatever but also can't resist Shane.

Shane sinks one hand into Ryan's hair, trying to take some control of the kiss. Ryan lets him, slowing down a little, exploring Shane's mouth with his tongue. It's fucking incredible, is what it is. Definitely one of Shane's top ten kisses, if he's honest.

Then Ryan pushes forward a little more, and the chair skids out from under him. They topple backwards, Shane throws out one arm to avoid hitting his head, bruising his elbow in the process, and Ryan's head clonks into his chin. "Ow!"

"Ugh." Ryan rubs his forehead. "Sorry."

"It's fine," Shane says. Hesitantly, he strokes Ryan's hair. "Do you, uh, want to take this somewhere less floor-like?"

"I do," Ryan says. "Jerk."

"That's a bit of a mixed mess--" Ryan cuts him off with another kiss, and Shane gives in.

After a few long, languid minutes, Ryan pulls away. "I guess we should get up," he says. "Uh, bed?"

"Bed sounds good," Shane says.

Ryan gets to his feet, then offers Shane a hand; he takes it, letting Ryan put those ridiculous(ly hot) muscles to good use hauling him upright. "Come on."

Shane follows him up the stairs to his bedroom, which looks exactly the same as it did during the Ladylike shoot, with the notable absence of Kristin and Freddie. Just like he had then, Shane arranges himself on Ryan's bed, deliberately taking up space.

Ryan stands there for a moment. "You look good there," he says. "In my bed."

"Yeah?" Shane says, then, because he is intrinsically an asshole, "Would you have brought that -- other guy here?"

"Jesus, Shane!" Ryan shakes his head in disbelief. "I was thinking maybe some hand action, because --" He shuts his mouth with an audible click.

"Because what? Because you have some kind of thing for guys in stupid flowered shirts who are tall for no reason?" Shane demands.

Ryan looks at him like he's an idiot. "Yeah," he says pointedly. "I have a thing for _you_ , dickhead."

"...oh," Shane says, looking down at the flowers on his shirt. "Right. That, uh. Thanks?"

"I didn't think I had a chance," Ryan goes on, "so I thought, why not go for the knockoff?"

"You have a chance," Shane says stupidly, then tries to save face by following it up with, "I'm the real thing, baby."

"Will you shut up if I take your pants off?" Ryan asks. His voice is irritated, but the look in his eyes is melty-soft.

"I might," Shane allows.

"What if I ride you?" Ryan suggests.

Shane's brain leaks out of his ears. "Yeah," he says breathlessly. "That -- yeah, probably."

"Then you get to take your own pants off."

"I think I can handle that." While Shane undresses, Ryan does the same, then digs bare-assed through the bedside table drawer.

"Lube, lube, lube," he chants, tossing a strip of condoms in Shane's direction. "There it is." He kneels on the bed, then, straddling Shane's legs, and reaches behind himself, and -- wow.

"Your face," Shane says, and reaches up to cup the side of it in his hand. "It's... really good."

Ryan grins at him, goofy with pleasure. "Thanks, man," he says. "I'm a big fan of yours, too."

Shane gives him his best wink -- much better than Tall Jerk's efforts -- and Ryan laughs, breaking off into a caught breath. _That must be his prostate,_ Shane thinks, trying to stay clinical so he doesn't come all over the place just from watching Ryan finger himself.

"Ready?" Ryan asks, raising his eyebrows, and Shane gestures to his condom-covered dick. "Showoff." He moves forward and arranges himself, then sinks down on Shane's dick, and --

"Oh God, oh _God_ ," Shane says, grabbing at Ryan's hips to hold him still. "Give me a second --"

"Yeah, man, whatever you need," Ryan says earnestly, like he doesn't have half of Shane's dick buried in his ass, Jesus.

_This is when guys usually think of baseball scores,_ Shane tells himself. _Fuck. How is baseball even scored?_ He gets his act together after a moment, and says, "Okay, you can move now."

"Okay." Ryan lowers himself slowly, his expression even more transported than before, some part of Shane notes smugly. "Jesus, you're big."

"You're into it," Shane says, squeezing Ryan's hips possessively.

"Yeah, you're not wrong." Ryan bottoms out with a choked-off gasp and leans forward; it's an awkward angle, but Shane can't resist kissing him anyway, desperate for more contact.

"Ah, fuck, Ryan --" Ryan smiles at him again and starts to move for real. For all that his arms are so impressive, he must not be skipping leg day: he rises and falls torturously slowly, over and over. "You're driving me crazy," Shane says helplessly.

"You could -- uh," Ryan says, "you could show me who's boss." The flush rising from his chest clues Shane in: Christ, he's been thinking about this, hasn't he?

"Would you like that?" Shane asks anyway.

"Yeah," Ryan says, turning his face away from Shane's. "I really would."

That's all the invitation Shane needs. He uses his superior leverage to flip Ryan under him and slams home, again, again.

 

"Oh, fuck, _Shane_ ," Ryan says, wrapping his legs around Shane's waist, pulling him even closer. "Fuck, I'm gonna come!"

"Do it," Shane says, reaching down between them to fist Ryan's dick. He's barely gotten his hand on it when Ryan moans, unsurprisingly loudly, and comes all over both of them. It might be the hottest thing that's ever happened to him, and he has to pause for a moment and process it.

"Don't _stop_ ," Ryan says, and clenches his ass around Shane's dick.

"Fuck," Shane says with feeling. He hikes up Ryan's thighs and thrusts into him, hard, until orgasm hits like a bodyslam. Shane swears he sees stars, or maybe little tweeting birdies, as he sags forward onto Ryan.

"God, you're built like a scarecrow, and yet you're so fucking heavy," Ryan grouses, shoving him. "No, I don't mean _go away_ , just --" He rearranges Shane's limbs to suit himself, and Shane lets him. "There."

"You are the bossiest cuddler known to man," Shane informs him.

"I just know what I like," Ryan says.

"Uh-huh," Shane says through a yawn. "You like _me_."

"For some reason," Ryan agrees, petting his hair.

"I like you too." Shane kisses his shoulder.

"Good."

Satisfied, Shane settles in for a sex-nap. Ryan is better to hug than a pillow, even if he is bossy.

**Author's Note:**

> betaed by mardia!  
> chair scene adopted from bessyboo  
> title from celli


End file.
